Mummy and I played a fun game tonight.
She dared me to kill myself.
Grateful for the unspoken permission that was just granted, I breezed out of the house. At long last, a chance to take a breather from the one who had been relentlessly judging you and yelling into your ear the things you don't need to learn. Though, when I think about it, maybe it's not all her fault. She's had one too many bruises to nurse over the years. Bitterness eats you from the inside, and it's a very hard thing to get rid off when say, your kid's bad habits and trips and falls are a constant reminder of the very things you detest about your partner.
Went up to the top of the roof. Assessed the different spots one could jump off from. And stayed there, taking in the night breeze, until I dozed off, and until I woke up.
I love this place.
I love how it's so peaceful.
I love how it's so dark.
I love how the wind cradles you.
Most of all, I love how my anguish, my frustration, my anger just dissipated like that.
I'm not suicidal.
I'm just glad I got the chance to get out of the pressure cooker that had been set on for 3 hours.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Friday, September 9, 2011
This kind of music is sheer beauty.
I am going to cry. There are just so many phenomenal ex-artists out there whom I miss terribly/deserve lots more mention.
1) TLC, successful African-American girl-group of the 90s (They win Destiny's Child hands down! To be fair, DC had good songs - I grew up with a couple of them alongside TLC's songs). I'm crazy over T-boz. Her strength and optimism in the face of what she has gone through (sickle cell anaemia, brain tumor...) is very inspiring. And her haircut between the 1994-2000 is to die for. I love her individual uniqueness and her strength and courage.
My top 6 favourite songs from TLC:
a) "Waterfalls" (Very meaningful, and Left Eye's rap in here is so quirky and fun!),
b) "No Scrubs" (I so wanna move like T-boz in this video. She's really cool.)
c) "Creep"
d) "Dear Lie" (Another inspiring song)
e) "Unpretty" (This too. Hahaha I love Chilli's acting!)
e) "Girl Talk" (Chilli's and T-boz's tribute to Left Eye in the video is really sweet. RIP Left Eye ><)
2) Nujabes, a Japanese hip hop producer and DJ. Sick beats, creative music. "Arurian Dance" is my go-to emo music right now. Oh man, my heart is swishing. This is really good stuff.
RIP Nujabes. You are sorely missed.
3) Dug out many other beautifully haunting songs from relatively lesser known but successful artists. Because I'm in a tranced state right now, I going to recommend emo-sounding "2 little 2 late" by Bonnie Bailey. On the topic of emo, I'm also revisiting "Tumblin Down" by Jenna Andrews, a delight I discovered at the start of the year.
1) TLC, successful African-American girl-group of the 90s (They win Destiny's Child hands down! To be fair, DC had good songs - I grew up with a couple of them alongside TLC's songs). I'm crazy over T-boz. Her strength and optimism in the face of what she has gone through (sickle cell anaemia, brain tumor...) is very inspiring. And her haircut between the 1994-2000 is to die for. I love her individual uniqueness and her strength and courage.
My top 6 favourite songs from TLC:
a) "Waterfalls" (Very meaningful, and Left Eye's rap in here is so quirky and fun!),
b) "No Scrubs" (I so wanna move like T-boz in this video. She's really cool.)
c) "Creep"
d) "Dear Lie" (Another inspiring song)
e) "Unpretty" (This too. Hahaha I love Chilli's acting!)
e) "Girl Talk" (Chilli's and T-boz's tribute to Left Eye in the video is really sweet. RIP Left Eye ><)
2) Nujabes, a Japanese hip hop producer and DJ. Sick beats, creative music. "Arurian Dance" is my go-to emo music right now. Oh man, my heart is swishing. This is really good stuff.
RIP Nujabes. You are sorely missed.
3) Dug out many other beautifully haunting songs from relatively lesser known but successful artists. Because I'm in a tranced state right now, I going to recommend emo-sounding "2 little 2 late" by Bonnie Bailey. On the topic of emo, I'm also revisiting "Tumblin Down" by Jenna Andrews, a delight I discovered at the start of the year.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Wanderer Fantasy
No, not Schubert. Just crazy old me 8D.
What lightyears of being cooped up in a house studying (slacking) can do to a stoned-faced girl who, in reality, is restless at heart.
Step 1: Dropped off at Raffles Place MRT. Got out of the hole.
Step 2: Walked around those intimidating business towers and ended up heading towards the direction of fullerton bay hotel. Stopped in front of the entrance for a sec to enjoy the aircon.
Step 3: Kept walking along Singapore River. Loved the smell of salt water. Passed by the spitting merlion.
Step 4: Turned left and walked underneath a flyover (starbucks on left, river under flyover on right).
Step 5: Crossed bridge to other side of river.
Step 6: Walked along a fairly obscure pathway (landmarks: The Glorious Dead, opp victoria concert hall and the likes). There was a strange guy in a very large hat sitting by the steps of The Glorious Dead, and he kept staring at me as I passed. Never seen a little girl before, sir?
Step 7: Along the way, stumbled across a lighthearted, uplifting scene. Ahead of me were two Bangladeshi workers having a moment of laughter while at work. One had successfully hung his rope on a tree. The other guy was damn fail haha. He kept trying to toss his rope up onto a branch, but it kept falling to the ground. The former would watch the latter with amusement and make several remarks (not that I understand Bangladeshi) in a playful tone. It was a priceless scene, watching the wide grins on both the workers xD. So wished I couldve captured it on video, but it woulda been so indiscreet. Little funny scenarios like this do add a little lighthearted zing to an otherwise mundane work routine.
Step 8: Continued walking along the path (landmarks: tan kim seng fountain) until I reached an underpass linking to the Esplanade. I've always loved how the underpass is so spacious. Young couples/groups of students huddled together to study. Two dance students practised their dance moves while their radio softly played music.
Step 9: Link to Esplanade: Current installment: "Too Big in the Tank" by Joo Choon Lin, in collaboration with the kids from Jamiyah Children's Home. The children's funny faces are priceless! But it juxtaposes with the serious message the work intends to convey. Koped from what I saw written on the installation (i had ma trusty phone cam):
"Familial problems and social conditions often neglect, entrap, and render children powerless. Inevitably, they would have to enter society one day, hopefully with the realisation that happiness is within their control."
and
"Metaphorical to broken dreams as well as the deep emotional and spiritual struggles of these children, Too Big in the Tank portrays a fish’s desire to make its way into the sea, which ultimately represents its sense of nature, home and security."
Some food for thought.
Step 10: Reach Esplanade. Latest installment at the concourse: "Aung Ko's Village". Breathtaking work. I knew I had to visit the Jendela (Visual Arts Space) because the 2nd part of Aung Ko's installment was there. Aung Ko is really talented, and his concept has deep meaning to it.
Step 11: Visited Library@Esplanade. Damn, you have to check out their jamming room! I couldnt stop gawking at it from outside its glass walls. It made me wanna learn the drums and the guitar and the DJ thingmajacks all at once so that I could come in and shamelessly trash the neat equipment they have in there. Anybody wanna form a band with me?
I had intended to look for Martha Argerich: Evening Talks. A shame the CD was already on loan )): Not willing to leave empty handed, I left with a compilation of piano jazz scores. Been wanting to learn more about jazz this year. And I when I'm done with the o.O lvls, imma learn my friggin jazz guitar. I think.
Step 12: Show's over. Made my walk via City Link Mall (Stopped midway to (over-)indulge in a large cone of Gelato) to City Hall MRT. Back to home.
Now there's a real learning jouney. Something that stimulates your senses and thoughts and relfections. Something you discover for yourself.
What lightyears of being cooped up in a house studying (slacking) can do to a stoned-faced girl who, in reality, is restless at heart.
Step 1: Dropped off at Raffles Place MRT. Got out of the hole.
Step 2: Walked around those intimidating business towers and ended up heading towards the direction of fullerton bay hotel. Stopped in front of the entrance for a sec to enjoy the aircon.
Step 3: Kept walking along Singapore River. Loved the smell of salt water. Passed by the spitting merlion.
Step 4: Turned left and walked underneath a flyover (starbucks on left, river under flyover on right).
Step 5: Crossed bridge to other side of river.
Step 6: Walked along a fairly obscure pathway (landmarks: The Glorious Dead, opp victoria concert hall and the likes). There was a strange guy in a very large hat sitting by the steps of The Glorious Dead, and he kept staring at me as I passed. Never seen a little girl before, sir?
Step 7: Along the way, stumbled across a lighthearted, uplifting scene. Ahead of me were two Bangladeshi workers having a moment of laughter while at work. One had successfully hung his rope on a tree. The other guy was damn fail haha. He kept trying to toss his rope up onto a branch, but it kept falling to the ground. The former would watch the latter with amusement and make several remarks (not that I understand Bangladeshi) in a playful tone. It was a priceless scene, watching the wide grins on both the workers xD. So wished I couldve captured it on video, but it woulda been so indiscreet. Little funny scenarios like this do add a little lighthearted zing to an otherwise mundane work routine.
Step 8: Continued walking along the path (landmarks: tan kim seng fountain) until I reached an underpass linking to the Esplanade. I've always loved how the underpass is so spacious. Young couples/groups of students huddled together to study. Two dance students practised their dance moves while their radio softly played music.
Step 9: Link to Esplanade: Current installment: "Too Big in the Tank" by Joo Choon Lin, in collaboration with the kids from Jamiyah Children's Home. The children's funny faces are priceless! But it juxtaposes with the serious message the work intends to convey. Koped from what I saw written on the installation (i had ma trusty phone cam):
"Familial problems and social conditions often neglect, entrap, and render children powerless. Inevitably, they would have to enter society one day, hopefully with the realisation that happiness is within their control."
and
"Metaphorical to broken dreams as well as the deep emotional and spiritual struggles of these children, Too Big in the Tank portrays a fish’s desire to make its way into the sea, which ultimately represents its sense of nature, home and security."
Some food for thought.
Step 10: Reach Esplanade. Latest installment at the concourse: "Aung Ko's Village". Breathtaking work. I knew I had to visit the Jendela (Visual Arts Space) because the 2nd part of Aung Ko's installment was there. Aung Ko is really talented, and his concept has deep meaning to it.
Step 11: Visited Library@Esplanade. Damn, you have to check out their jamming room! I couldnt stop gawking at it from outside its glass walls. It made me wanna learn the drums and the guitar and the DJ thingmajacks all at once so that I could come in and shamelessly trash the neat equipment they have in there. Anybody wanna form a band with me?
I had intended to look for Martha Argerich: Evening Talks. A shame the CD was already on loan )): Not willing to leave empty handed, I left with a compilation of piano jazz scores. Been wanting to learn more about jazz this year. And I when I'm done with the o.O lvls, imma learn my friggin jazz guitar. I think.
Step 12: Show's over. Made my walk via City Link Mall (Stopped midway to (over-)indulge in a large cone of Gelato) to City Hall MRT. Back to home.
Now there's a real learning jouney. Something that stimulates your senses and thoughts and relfections. Something you discover for yourself.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Flobots for June
I could gush on and on about how and why Flobots is one of my favourite bands of all time.
But I won't.
Let the music do the talking.
But I won't.
Let the music do the talking.
I turn to this when I'm stressed. Slow down baby.
This is an epic video.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Today is different
Oh, Gladys, what can I say.
Today, you brought meaning into my life.
Today, you rescued me from the wrath of procrastination and off-focus and my fast-corroding mental well-being.
Today, you made me accomplish what I never thought I could have accomplished before.
Today, you had me nail my 3 greatest priorities all in 3 hours.
Today has been my most productive day since March hols. :))
Today, you brought meaning into my life.
Today, you rescued me from the wrath of procrastination and off-focus and my fast-corroding mental well-being.
Today, you made me accomplish what I never thought I could have accomplished before.
Today, you had me nail my 3 greatest priorities all in 3 hours.
Today has been my most productive day since March hols. :))
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
The cool study music project on Youtube
Dennis Kuo, Dennis Kuo, Dennis Kuo.
I'm so glad I discovered your Study Music Project on Youtube.
http://www.youtube.com/user/StudyMusicProject
It's beautiful. And it works. I have a playlist dedicated solely to your music clips.
Did I ever tell you that I've always wanted to be just like you?
It's been a childhood/student dream of mine to create music like that. I've always been interested in creating therapy music, music for relaxation, music to enhance various moods and feelings (self-esteem, concentration, healing.....), study music (I've just added you to my list of idols in this field Mr Kuo!!), yknow, these kinda music tailored for the mind. I've been inspired by the pros in the field such as widely acclaimed Steven Halpern.
But someone like you would probably give me a much higher motivation to achieve something similar. You're still a student, studying medicine (as if that in itself isn't a feat already!) and yet you've found time to embark on a side project that you love and commit to. That's something I need to work on, given my terrible time management skills and basically (recently) bleak outlook of schoolwork. I think it indirectly gave me a wake-up call. There are mindsets I need to change and habits I need to abolish.
I hope I can find time to pursue a creative project while balancing school! There are so many things I want to try out, but never found the time for. As of now, these are the "hot trends" flashing in my mind:
1) Music for the mind, as mentioned above.
2) Clothesmaking and fashion design (I'm still wondering if I should make a GB dress for fam ;p)
3) Baking projects
I'll make sure I have one of these to look forward to when I'm over and done with the Os. In the meantime, I have to study hard. Sigh, not really my forte. I honestly don't know how long I can hold up -- in fact, I'll probably get distracted and stray away within the next few minutes of doing work.
You say how leh. I so need tips from a Study War Veteran ):
I'm so glad I discovered your Study Music Project on Youtube.
http://www.youtube.com/user/StudyMusicProject
It's beautiful. And it works. I have a playlist dedicated solely to your music clips.
Did I ever tell you that I've always wanted to be just like you?
It's been a childhood/student dream of mine to create music like that. I've always been interested in creating therapy music, music for relaxation, music to enhance various moods and feelings (self-esteem, concentration, healing.....), study music (I've just added you to my list of idols in this field Mr Kuo!!), yknow, these kinda music tailored for the mind. I've been inspired by the pros in the field such as widely acclaimed Steven Halpern.
But someone like you would probably give me a much higher motivation to achieve something similar. You're still a student, studying medicine (as if that in itself isn't a feat already!) and yet you've found time to embark on a side project that you love and commit to. That's something I need to work on, given my terrible time management skills and basically (recently) bleak outlook of schoolwork. I think it indirectly gave me a wake-up call. There are mindsets I need to change and habits I need to abolish.
I hope I can find time to pursue a creative project while balancing school! There are so many things I want to try out, but never found the time for. As of now, these are the "hot trends" flashing in my mind:
1) Music for the mind, as mentioned above.
2) Clothesmaking and fashion design (I'm still wondering if I should make a GB dress for fam ;p)
3) Baking projects
I'll make sure I have one of these to look forward to when I'm over and done with the Os. In the meantime, I have to study hard. Sigh, not really my forte. I honestly don't know how long I can hold up -- in fact, I'll probably get distracted and stray away within the next few minutes of doing work.
You say how leh. I so need tips from a Study War Veteran ):
Thursday, March 3, 2011
This is not the culture I want to bring with me into adulthood
Ack, I've been robbed.
Something somewhere somehow is wrong with the school culture. No, I am not discrediting the obvious merits of our school culture, but I will not be elaborating any further on it, since I really want to cut to the chase and address the problem.
Something somewhere somehow is wrong with the school culture, if people all around you - and you yourself - are awarded 3-5 hours of sleep weekdaily for ~18 hours of work.
We may conveniently point the blame to poor time management skills. Yes, a crucial factor. But with a good majority of the school population sleeping past 12 and waking before 6-7, I think there may be more to it than meets the eye.
In this competitive society/mad house, we're... overly overwhelmed. It's exhausting. The activities, the work, the tight deadlines, the big mad rushes, the dont-ask-me-how-i-just-squashed-them-in schedules. Don't even attempt to joke about the pee tees and ay ays. I will slap you.
"Too many things to do, too little time" may sound like a cliched complaint, but when you think about it, why cliched in the first place? Why are so many people lamenting about the same thing?
Here we are, in our crucial stages of growth and healing. If at this young age, we're deprived of the sleep and the time we really should be having, what's going to happen to us as adults, physically and habitually (and in my case, mentally)?
Our teachers have great faith in us. They know that, "being the tough cookies we are, we're capable of accomplishing anything they pile on our shoulders, no matter the quantity". And as history has proven, many of us have, particularly --and proudly-- so at the eleventh hour.
But at what price?
Something somewhere somehow is wrong with the school culture. No, I am not discrediting the obvious merits of our school culture, but I will not be elaborating any further on it, since I really want to cut to the chase and address the problem.
Something somewhere somehow is wrong with the school culture, if people all around you - and you yourself - are awarded 3-5 hours of sleep weekdaily for ~18 hours of work.
We may conveniently point the blame to poor time management skills. Yes, a crucial factor. But with a good majority of the school population sleeping past 12 and waking before 6-7, I think there may be more to it than meets the eye.
In this competitive society/mad house, we're... overly overwhelmed. It's exhausting. The activities, the work, the tight deadlines, the big mad rushes, the dont-ask-me-how-i-just-squashed-them-in schedules. Don't even attempt to joke about the pee tees and ay ays. I will slap you.
"Too many things to do, too little time" may sound like a cliched complaint, but when you think about it, why cliched in the first place? Why are so many people lamenting about the same thing?
Here we are, in our crucial stages of growth and healing. If at this young age, we're deprived of the sleep and the time we really should be having, what's going to happen to us as adults, physically and habitually (and in my case, mentally)?
Our teachers have great faith in us. They know that, "being the tough cookies we are, we're capable of accomplishing anything they pile on our shoulders, no matter the quantity". And as history has proven, many of us have, particularly --and proudly-- so at the eleventh hour.
But at what price?
Thursday, November 25, 2010
What Xiaxue?? Here's an award-winning blogger for you.
I have a new idol!
Presenting... The Pioneer Woman - Ree Drummond. She is a woman of many "professions": homemaker, mother of 4, ex-city-girl-turned-country-bumpkin (in my own words haha), photographer, cook, blogger-turned-writer (of a cookbook, of humorous daily accounts, and of an upcoming book "Black Heels to Tractor Wheels"). Too bad they cant be found in Sg. At least it's all readable on her blog. But I want the hardcopies badly.
Her blog is awesome. It's diverse, full of life and interests --a nicely classified hodgepodge of her life and her knowledge. Cooking (MY FAVOURITE SECTION!! Her recipes are... *salivates profusely*), Photography, Homeschooling (I learned new words! Wouldja have guessed what "Foist" or "Pulchritude" meant without consulting the dictionary?), Home and Garden and all... not to mention her quirky life stories (here's one from Confessions of A Pioneer Woman: http://thepioneerwoman.com/blog/2010/11/the-haunted-house/). One thing I know, she has a flair for writing beautifully, and she never fails to amuse. And amazingly, it's as though she'll never run of anything to share anytime soon.
Call this a coincidence, but just as interestingly, Ree even happends to have the kind of life I've always been dreaming about since I was a little kid: Settling down in the countryside, enjoying its slower-paced lifestyle and vibrant community, and still live a life full of diverse interests and get to pursue your dreams and make a name for yourself.
I can dream on. I live on the other side of the fence, and over here, life is far from that of my alternate world of bliss. Maybe it's just me, but I think our society generally views successful lives very differently, and often the way I don't really like. Of course you get to succeed when you put your mind to it, but it's very easy to subject yourself to all that undue stress while you're at it. Competition is high. E.g. You want a white collar job? You first have to cut the academic grade (which itself is seriously no easy feat), and on top of that you'd need a blossoming portfolio of gdness knows what, to cancel out all othr competitors. Exaggerated perhaps, but you get the idea. You have to work really, really hard. I salute those who made it and managed to stay there, and more importantly, remain satisfied with their life.
So, if you want to be a countrygirl, forget it. We don't have any here. This is the city. My daydreams are pretty much impossible to fulfill, unless of course I migrate and move out to a different community (or my alternate dimension). Or simpy be sensible and make the best of what I have here.
But I digress *waves away castle in the air*. Where were we? Oh yes - do give The Pioneer Woman a good visit. Nice place to transport yourself to and pass time, and have a good laugh. It's probably one of the few places on the Internet that actually makes my day.
I linked her website for you. You're welcome (:
Presenting... The Pioneer Woman - Ree Drummond. She is a woman of many "professions": homemaker, mother of 4, ex-city-girl-turned-country-bumpkin (in my own words haha), photographer, cook, blogger-turned-writer (of a cookbook, of humorous daily accounts, and of an upcoming book "Black Heels to Tractor Wheels"). Too bad they cant be found in Sg. At least it's all readable on her blog. But I want the hardcopies badly.
Her blog is awesome. It's diverse, full of life and interests --a nicely classified hodgepodge of her life and her knowledge. Cooking (MY FAVOURITE SECTION!! Her recipes are... *salivates profusely*), Photography, Homeschooling (I learned new words! Wouldja have guessed what "Foist" or "Pulchritude" meant without consulting the dictionary?), Home and Garden and all... not to mention her quirky life stories (here's one from Confessions of A Pioneer Woman: http://thepioneerwoman.com/blog/2010/11/the-haunted-house/). One thing I know, she has a flair for writing beautifully, and she never fails to amuse. And amazingly, it's as though she'll never run of anything to share anytime soon.
Call this a coincidence, but just as interestingly, Ree even happends to have the kind of life I've always been dreaming about since I was a little kid: Settling down in the countryside, enjoying its slower-paced lifestyle and vibrant community, and still live a life full of diverse interests and get to pursue your dreams and make a name for yourself.
I can dream on. I live on the other side of the fence, and over here, life is far from that of my alternate world of bliss. Maybe it's just me, but I think our society generally views successful lives very differently, and often the way I don't really like. Of course you get to succeed when you put your mind to it, but it's very easy to subject yourself to all that undue stress while you're at it. Competition is high. E.g. You want a white collar job? You first have to cut the academic grade (which itself is seriously no easy feat), and on top of that you'd need a blossoming portfolio of gdness knows what, to cancel out all othr competitors. Exaggerated perhaps, but you get the idea. You have to work really, really hard. I salute those who made it and managed to stay there, and more importantly, remain satisfied with their life.
So, if you want to be a countrygirl, forget it. We don't have any here. This is the city. My daydreams are pretty much impossible to fulfill, unless of course I migrate and move out to a different community (or my alternate dimension). Or simpy be sensible and make the best of what I have here.
But I digress *waves away castle in the air*. Where were we? Oh yes - do give The Pioneer Woman a good visit. Nice place to transport yourself to and pass time, and have a good laugh. It's probably one of the few places on the Internet that actually makes my day.
I linked her website for you. You're welcome (:
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
The long-awaited appointment at KL's heart centre
[the appointment] My Lord, my God! Thank goodness Ah Gong is alright. The doc at KL has confirmed that there is no significant threat to his heart, save for a clog in a smaller blood vessel, which he is receving medication for.
[2 days before the appointment] Took advantage of the last weekend to come to melaka for a visit. We were pleasantly surprised to see an improvement in his condition. He's able to sit up on his own now.
I was later told that a local doctor at the hospital had been confident that Ah Gong would be able to begin walking in a month. What he currently needs are nutrients and supplements to build up his muscles and strength again.
I am so glad. Pray he continues to improve.
*edited 27th. Apologies for the genuine error regarding the 'sinseh', was muddled up when i typed ;p*
[2 days before the appointment] Took advantage of the last weekend to come to melaka for a visit. We were pleasantly surprised to see an improvement in his condition. He's able to sit up on his own now.
I was later told that a local doctor at the hospital had been confident that Ah Gong would be able to begin walking in a month. What he currently needs are nutrients and supplements to build up his muscles and strength again.
I am so glad. Pray he continues to improve.
*edited 27th. Apologies for the genuine error regarding the 'sinseh', was muddled up when i typed ;p*
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